Part I: My Childhood and Teenage Years

Recap of the Prologue and Chapters 1–6

Hey guys,

I hope you’ve been enjoying and reflecting on the first few chapters of my testimony. Thank you for journeying with me so far.

The first part of my story looks back on where it all began: my early years, childhood, and adolescence.

Our early years shape us more than we realize. During this time, our brains rapidly form connections influenced by relationships, surroundings, and experiences. When we grow up with love, safety, and support, we develop trust, confidence, and a sense of belonging. But when that foundation is shaken by rejection, confusion, or unmet emotional needs, something shifts. We begin to adapt, learning what parts of ourselves are welcome, what must be hidden, and who we need to become to feel accepted or safe.

For me, my family, culture, and religion deeply shaped my inner world. I was raised in a devout Catholic home. Rosaries hung on our walls, Marian images stood on side tables, and we prayed together every night. My parents had a deep faith, rooted in the miracle of our births. For a time, I believed too.

But even in a loving home, I slowly began to believe that I had to earn love, not just from people, but from God. Growing up feeling different, I thought He’d be pleased if I behaved well, prayed perfectly, and aced my theology classes. I didn’t yet know Him as a Father. I only knew how to perform, comply, and impress.

From an early age, I could sense I wasn’t like the other boys. I gravitated toward things they didn’t. I was soft, expressive, and often called names I didn’t fully understand, but instinctively knew meant I was too much, or not enough, of what a boy was supposed to be.

It was confusing. At home, I was the man of the house—the responsible kuya, the spiritual son. But at school, I was the flamboyant one, the bakla classmates teased or imitated. I learned to live two lives early on. One to survive. The other to feel seen. I didn’t know it yet, but I was already performing, shape-shifting, and adapting, hoping I could still belong.

Then came adolescence. The questions got louder: Who am I? Why do I feel so different? What if I never fit in?

It became a season of searching for identity, belonging, and meaning. I experienced first love and first heartbreak, along with a deep ache to be seen. I longed to be understood—not just by friends or family, but by God.

Here’s a quick look at what I’ve shared so far:

🔹 Prologue: A Child of Promise
🔹 Chapter 1: I Am Different
🔹 Chapter 2: Raised in Ritual, Distant in Relationship
🔹 Chapter 3: A Wound Disguised as Pleasure
🔹 Chapter 4: High School Scars
🔹 Chapter 5: God, I’m Angry!
🔹 Chapter 6: ...I Exist

Through all these, one thing became clear: I lived with a quiet pressure to be someone else, to hide the parts of me that didn’t seem to fit the mold. Looking back, I now see I was learning how to survive in a world that didn’t have language for me yet.

These chapters aren’t just about remembering the past. They’re about naming where the fracture began. Because to tell the story of healing, I first need to show what needed to be healed. And before I could discover who I truly was, I had to let go of who I thought I had to be.

🗓 New chapters come out every Sunday and Wednesday.

I’d love to hear your thoughts. What part resonated with you the most so far?